I’m writing this somewhere in the middle of a 63 hour journey from Malaysia to Guatemala; between airports, time zones, and that strange in between space where one season has ended but the next hasn’t quite begun. My body is tired, my heart feels tender and relieved all at once, and I’m realizing that endings don’t always come with clarity, sometimes they come with honesty.

Malaysia is over. There were lots of hard goodbyes, the kind that remind you that real love was formed even in heavy seasons. I loved the people deeply and am so grateful for the relationships God allowed me to step into. I will miss sitting with them, laughing, worshipping, and sharing life together. But still, if I’m being honest, I am really ready to be leaving. Malaysia was a difficult country for me. It asked things of me that stretched far beyond my preferences, comfort, and capacity. It was a season of dying to self in unexpected ways: dying to routine, familiarity, control, and the version of ministry I thought I was “good at.” There was a constant spiritual heaviness and warfare, and learning how to live and serve under that weight was exhausting.

The ministry itself was unlike anything I had ever done. Nights often went until 3 a.m., and we were frequently asked to do things I genuinely did not want to do, like caroling for eight hours straight, sitting through a five-hour sermon in a language I can’t understand, speaking in front of the entire church when every part of me wanted to hide. It was uncomfortable and humbling, and if I’m being honest, my attitude wasn’t always good. I wish I had done it better. I wish I had responded with more joy, more surrender, and more trust. But the truth is, I was running on empty. I wasn’t relying on the Lord to fill me; I was trying to survive on fumes. I was struggling mentally and faith-wise, and trying to minister from a place of dryness is one of the hardest things to do. Instead of continually returning to the Lord as my source, I often tried to push through in my own strength, and it showed.

To be truthful, coming straight out of Swaziland also made everything harder. Swazi was a place where I felt deeply called, where I learned, grew, and felt alive in my faith. Transitioning from that into Malaysia, where I didn’t feel the same sense of calling and honestly felt like I wasn’t growing at all, but maybe even regressing, was heartbreaking. Comparison crept in constantly. Moving from a place that felt aligned with God’s purposes in my life to a place that felt heavy and disorienting was super hard to reconcile.

And yet, even in that tension, God was doing something deeper than I realized at the time. Malaysia taught me what it looks like to do ministry when it doesn’t look like what I expect ministry to be. It dismantled my narrow definitions and reminded me that ministry isn’t only powerful when it’s structured, inspiring, or emotionally fulfilling. Sometimes ministry looks like showing up tired, choosing obedience without adrenaline, and staying present when you’d rather escape. God used this season to expose how easily I can settle into a contempt lifestyle, doing things halfway or with resistance, and taught me the importance of doing everything with intention and excellence, not for recognition or comfort, but for His glory. He reminded me that faithfulness isn’t dependent on how inspired I feel.

Malaysia was wonderful in that it was full of people worth loving, and it was also really hard. I’m learning to accept that both can be true at the same time. I don’t need to force gratitude to erase exhaustion or grief. God can handle my honesty. Now, somewhere between continents, I feel something new rising. Even in the travel, the Lord has been giving me fresh joy and a lightness I haven’t felt in a while. There’s a growing sense of excitement and expectancy for what’s ahead, and I’m so ready for Guatemala. I don’t know exactly what God will do there, but I’m hopeful and eager to show up differently; more dependent, more surrendered, and more aware of my need for Him. Malaysia shaped me in ways I didn’t ask for but likely needed, and now, I’m stepping into what’s next, trusting that the same God who met me in the hardest parts will meet me again, just as faithfully, in the joy ahead. Guatemala, here we come!!