Week four is officially complete! It’s crazy to think that we’ve now been in Eswatini longer than the time we have left. Four weeks down, only two to go. Time is flying, and this week has been one of the sweetest yet. I got to witness the Lord fulfill His promises in such real and fruitful ways.
It was not an easy start, though. Sunday was my mom’s birthday, and Tuesday was mine, which made being so far from home extra hard. I missed my friends and family a ton. In that, God wrapped me in His love and poured it out through my community here. I received bunches of cards, so many hugs, and my team even threw me a little movie party. It felt like the sweetest wink from God, reminding me that He sees me and delights in giving good gifts. On that same note, being surrounded by people who shine the Lord’s light so brightly has reminded me of the beauty of community. Living with thirty girls isn’t always easy, but it’s incredible to see how intentional God is. The unique gifts He has given each person flow together so harmoniously and even in the chaos, love overflows.
This week, I wrestled a lot with not hearing God clearly. I’ve seen answers to prayer, but I’ve been craving more than anything to hear Him and to get clear, personal direction. In a community so led by the Spirit, I often wonder if I’ve truly been baptized in the Spirit or if He simply lives in me quietly. During worship on Thursday, I hit a breaking point. I felt disconnected and discouraged, and I was begging God to show me His face. When I didn’t sense anything, I gave up and opened my eyes, ready to stop worshiping altogether; but right then, I saw Him.
All around me, the girls I’ve grown to love were completely pouring out Jesus. It was as if the Spirit inside of them couldn’t help but overflow. The room felt holy, set apart for Him alone. In that moment, I realized that when I can’t see God, all I have to do is open my eyes and look around. His presence is right there in them.
This week, I also fasted from Monday through Friday, and the Lord revealed so much of His faithfulness. The decision came after a conversation with my teammate Rissa, who shared her heart for fasting. Something about what she said stayed with me. I’ve also been reading Kingdom Journeys by Seth Barnes, which talks a lot about dependency on God. I realized that I’ve never truly put myself in a place of full dependence on Him, but that’s exactly what I long for: complete surrender, sitting at His feet, and trusting Him to provide.
By the third day of fasting, the exhaustion hit hard. I felt physically and mentally drained after hours of piggyback rides, games of ‘touch,’ and the challenge of remembering dozens of children’s names. On the fourth day, I was so weak I didn’t know how I’d make it through. I sat on my bed after breakfast, completely drained, and told God that I was tired and that I couldn’t do it alone. Later that day at ministry, it was as if He whispered, “I see you.” The moment the kids arrived, I felt a burst of energy. It was like my body completely forgot about the hunger. I wasn’t just sustained, but I was filled. That day turned out to be one of my favorites yet. It was such a clear picture of God being my everything, my true sustenance. He is the bread of life, and He delights in me depending on Him for strength.
Another thing God has been teaching me is how to face the things I struggle with. I recently told my team leader, Skylar, that I don’t feel naturally gifted in teaching or leadership. Not long after, it became clear that God heard that conversation and decided to challenge it. We’re currently planning a Beauty for Ashes event focused on identity, something that’s been on my heart since our roles were assigned. I can’t share all the details yet, but I’m so excited about it. When the idea of speaking on identity came up, I felt nervous and unsure. My team encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone, and my friend Mercy gave me the tough love I needed to say yes. The very next day, one of our squad leaders asked my friend Naomi and me to plan and lead our next ATL (Ask the Lord) day. She said she had seen our hearts for our squad and felt led to give us the opportunity. Almost instantly, ideas started forming. We planned everything in a day and carried it out the following Monday.
The day was filled with connection, laughter, and love. We began with prayer and paired everyone for one-on-one time, then had worship, wrote thank-you letters to our Swazi leadership, and ended the night playing “body, body.” The whole experience taught me that God’s power really is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). He keeps leading me into deeper trust by throwing me into things I never thought I could do. Sometimes you learn best by jumping in. Each day, He’s teaching me that even when I feel like I’m drowning, He’s there with His hand outstretched, ready to pull me up and, if needed, send me back in to try again. He’s showing me what it means to walk in authority and power, not my own but His. Through His strength, I can do anything He calls me to, even when it feels scary. On my own, I’ll never be capable. But in His will and by His strength, I can step forward in confidence, knowing He equips those He calls.
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