Week Two in Swazi

This week has been drastically different than my first week here. Week one was full of excitement and fresh energy but week two has felt much heavier. Originally, I thought about not writing about this week, or focusing solely on the good parts, but I think it’s important to remember that life comes with trials and tribulations but Jesus is the one thing that will get us through. With that, this week my heart has been burdened in a way I didn’t expect, and honestly, I’ve been feeling really discouraged and disheartened. I’m expecting change and for God to reshape my heart and to receive whatever He has for me.

I found myself entering this headspace of “What’s my purpose in being here?” It’s hard not to wonder when my role seems to be building these beautiful connections with the kids just to inevitably leave. There’s an ache in questioning whether that does more harm than good, and that thought has made it harder to serve with my whole heart. I also am aware of the importance in showing the kids even just a little bit of who Jesus is through our actions, but it hasn’t changed the weight of the situation. My heart has also felt so heavy for the people here. It’s such a gift from God to feel that kind of compassion and to be broken for what breaks him, but it’s also painful and really hard. Watching children come to the care point for their only meal, wearing the same dirty shirts I saw on the playground days before, or not even flinch when they’re hit because it’s what happens at home; it truly breaks me. Knowing this is their normal, and that there’s so little I can do to change it, has been so heavy on my heart.

I was also reminded that language barriers don’t matter as much as love, but they still matter. Like I talked about in my week one blog, when you’re holding a kid and showing them love, language really doesn’t matter. But this week, I’ve also seen the other side of that. It does matter when kids are fighting and I can’t communicate to help them effectively. It matters when a child is trying to talk to me and ends up walking away feeling ignored, even though I was trying to listen. It’s made me feel a little useless at times, not because love isn’t enough, but because I want to do more and I just can’t. Those moments have been heavy and have made this week feel really long and difficult.

So, honestly there isn’t really a neat conclusion to this week. I’m still in the middle of it. My heart feels heavy, and my mind is full of questions. Through this though, I know that the Lord is faithful. He doesn’t bring His children this far just to leave them, so I’m holding on to that. I’m praying He reshapes my heart, redeems this week, and reminds me that purpose doesn’t always come with clear answers but He is always working in and around me and growing me, even when I can’t see it.